Battles Leave Marks

Battles leave marks. Not just physical battles fought by soldiers, but spiritual battles fought by saints. Yes, to the unbeliever, it is easy to question why a loving Father would allow his children to endure such heartache, and if I’m being quite honest, it’s easy for the believer, in their weakness, to wonder the same.

I think it is understandably difficult sometimes, even as Christian’s, to not fully understand all of God’s ways. The downfall, however, is when we become consumed by our misunderstanding and let our questions misplace trust. “Why is this happening?” “Why are you allowing this?” You see, a constant “why” turns into doubt, and doubt turns into mistrust.

If you have ever been in a relationship, you know that trust is vital to the success of the relationship. Once that trust is broken, it is not easily obtained again, even if the person on the reciprocating end, in this case God, never deserved your mistrust to begin with. Although it felt like God had abandoned me, I was the one who had betrayed him. Blinded by pain, I lost my faith.

I’m here to tell you however, that even in your grief, even in your weariness and loss of faith, there is a way to keep going. Sure, it takes time, but wounds don’t heal over night. Once I came to the realization that my despair only further confirmed my humanity, God reminded me of grace. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect, He knows our flesh may sometimes win. I imagine every time our heart breaks, His does as well.

You see, I realized that it was ok for me to be sad. It was ok for me to not understand the “why’s.” God wasn’t going to persecute me for being human, no, He just wanted my faithfulness. Although I had lost my faith in Him, in the sense of no longer trusting Him to answer my prayers, I never, not once, stopped loving Him. I kept talking to Him, even if it was merely out of frustration. I kept serving Him, knowing all too well the despair of serving the world instead.

Despite this journey of uncertainty and heartache, God’s grace has carried me here, and by His grace I will carry on.

Don’t give up on God, dear sister. Keep loving Him, keep choosing Him, keep pushing forward.