Lo, Children are a Heritage of the Lord
“I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat and your hormone levels have decreased.” “Don’t worry, this is quite normal; 1 in 3 pregnancy’s end in miscarriage.” The doctor smiles apologetically as he ushers me out of the exam room. My legs move, but I’m still not certain I’m actually conscious.
This was my reality just a few short weeks ago.
Names were picked, my daughter had persistently declared she was getting a baby sister, and everyone had already welcomed the news with utter excitement. Oh life, how you can so easily rob ones joy.
After finally catching my breath, I began pleading with God. I begged Him to prove the doctor wrong. “Please let this news be untrue.” I called everyone requesting prayer. I refused to believe God wouldn’t give me that which I had asked for. I made my petition known. But as the days passed, my pleading turned into “I trust you, God.” Over and over again, prayer after prayer, all I could whisper was “I trust you.”
The ultrasounds were no longer necessary, blood work became routine, and we no longer held our breath waiting to hear from the doctor. My nightmare had become a reality. I had lost my miracle, and the one person who didn’t give me what i wanted, was the only person who could help me now.
One minute you’re readily preparing a place in your heart and home for a new little bundle of joy, and the very next, you’re mourning their absence. I still don’t have the answers, nor do I understand why we must go through such trials, but I can honestly say, despite the pain, the hurt, and the confusion, not once did I feel forsaken. My God was with me, strengthening me, comforting me; listening to my every cry.
The ache of my loss still surfaces on occasion, but I continue to trust God. Without him, i am hopeless. In the lowest of valleys, he walks with me. In the driest dessert, he quenches my thirst. When the morning tide seeks to sweep me away, he anchors me. I breath, because he gave me life. I love, because he first loved me. I push onward, because he is my strength. Without God, my life is meaningless.
You see, though my prayer was left unanswered, and I felt like the world around me may crumble, I still trusted God. Without his comfort, without his presence, I would have lost my hope. I would have been consumed by grief, but my God sustained me.
I wish I could say why we must go through such difficult times as Christian’s, but I just don’t have the answers. I suppose that is what faith is all about though; trusting God even when everything seems so uncertain.