My Greatest Weapon

It's truly only by the strength of the Lord that I can continue in this life without you, my son. I miss you with my entire being. As your mother, it was my job to protect you. My greatest battle thus far, is the one with my mind. I know in my heart I cannot change the will of God, but my mind asks "what if?" "What if I had not let you walk through that door?" "What if we had not gone to the lake that weekend?" These are the thoughts that plague my mind and keep me far from sleep.

The torturous thoughts, the guilt, the longing, is crippling at times. I find myself gasping for breath; begging God to still my mind and heart. It's in these moments, truthfully, that I find I pray my most honest prayers.

I think, at times, we lack honesty with the Lord. Perhaps we fear His response, or think our prayers should be a formality.

I've learned, however, that I can go to God with my deepest thoughts; my greatest concerns. Feelings that I cannot adequately express aloud, I can whisper to Him in prayer.

I pray to God as if He's there, standing before me, hanging on to every word. Prayer has always been my greatest weapon against life's many struggles. In seasons of much blessing, I give praise, in seasons of great sorrow, I lament.

I take my worries, fears, and questions to God. I give Him thanks, I give Him my trust, I give Him my whole heart.

The pain of my loss is ever present, but I persistently cry out to God, and He has yet to forsake me. He hasn't turned me away for my questions, or grown weary of my needs. He's truly my dearest friend, and greatest comfort.

It is by his mercies that I am not consumed.

"This I recall to my mind, Therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, Because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul;

Therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, To the soul that seeketh him."

Lamentations 3:21-25